If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
