I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
