i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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