you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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