these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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