Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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