dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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