She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
