Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's shark week go big or go home
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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