my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
