I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
