The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
