youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
