There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
