im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
