you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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