life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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