Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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