I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
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Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.