oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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