Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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