I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
