Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
