Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
