I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
