I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
organizing the empties. That sober.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
