I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
