chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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