so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
