he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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