We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
