I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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