My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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