i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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