i was rollin on her like bob the builder
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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