I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
