you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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