you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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