u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
