Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
