Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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