Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
