the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
