dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
