Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
