who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
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I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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