Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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