My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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