I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
This girl is more easily done than said...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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