I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
