Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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