hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
