The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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