dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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