The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
