My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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