if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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