I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
