i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
