I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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