Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
